did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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