if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
