You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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