Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
