dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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