So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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