You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
