I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
