I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
