Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Randomize
