I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
