Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
