dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
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