Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
