I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
the condom got lost in my hair
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
