I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
