i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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