At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
We had to coat check the pizza.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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