I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
