Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
