You just made me feel so damn special
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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