There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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