he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
