i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
