dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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