It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
