Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
