My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
