Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
