20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
