You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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