I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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