i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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