So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
