I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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