Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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