Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
