he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
