you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
