It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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