you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
