The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
