I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
