You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
