At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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