I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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