awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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