My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
