Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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