My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She made me pour olive oil on her.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
